What was the worst rock concert you've ever been to?
The first show I ever went to Philadelphia was not the worst show overall that I’ve ever been to (that honor would go to Green Day ((do you really need to mimic masturbating on stage, Billy Joel? does that make you cool? oh wait, play “American Idiot” one more time…the kids will love it))), but I did witness what had to be the most pathetic set ever in the history of the world.
Back when Ryan was just a small 6’3” Ryan, I went to see Less Than Jake with Jammer at the Electric Factory. I’d been to a festival a few years back and about a million local shows since I pretty much followed around my friend’s ska band, Jackson 170 (they were named after a lawn mower), but this was new and exciting cause we were driving up to the big, bad city. Less Than Jake (named after a dog, Jake) was all the rage for us at the time. We showed up right when doors opened because we were too naïve at the time to realize that that is pretty much the least ballin’ thing you can do at a show. The first band that played was some no name. I think they were called Fall Out Boy if I remember correctly. They actually had a super crazy set…I wonder if they ever made it **sarcastically ponders**. After them was the one and only Tommy Tutone. At this point,
You: “That name sounds kinda familiar.”
I: “You definitely know them.”
You: “Do I? Maybe…..I can’t remember.”
I: “8-6-7-5-3-oh-9-e-ine-e-ine”
You: **slap yourself in forehead**
“867-5309/Jenny” peaked at #4 in 1982. Let me emphasize —> 1982. This concert was in 2003. That’s a solid two decades after they were even remotely considered a respectable band. Nevertheless, let’s see how they did.
The four piece came out to unenthusiastic applause. Of note, the bald lead singer had on a denim shirt and a pair of (for the purposes of making them sound bad) fake ray-bans, the bass player was sporting snugly-fit, leather pants, and the guitarist clearly had a barber who specialized in the “vintage”1987 look. Then, it began. They opened with “Jenny”, they did a (for lack of anything better to call it) re-imagining of Jenny about 50 minutes in (which unfortunately marked the half way point of the set), and then closed on “Jenny”. Now, I could maybe see, though I never have, a band playing a song twice if they had some sort of crazy reprise/medley thing going on (btw, medleys suck. If the song is good enough to be in a medley, it should be good enough to play in its entirety.), but three times is just dumb. I suppose they figured their hour and thirty minute set was long enough to justify playing the song multiple times as surely the audience was bound to forget that the song was already played at the beginning of the set which was about a million years ago. I’m definitely not exaggerating either. Forty five minutes worth of uninspired, generic 80s rock can certainly feel like a million years without breaking a sweat. Speaking of breaking a sweat, in between songs, the lead singer would take off his glasses, wipe his baldness down with a towel, and then take another swig of what most assuredly was a harshly warm bud light. Beautiful. It’s alright. This gave the bass player time to reattach the strap on his bass, which he was (not) destroying on. During the middle of one of their sick tracks, his strap broke and his bass crashed to the stage. My guess is that it slipped off of his insanely cool leather pants. The drummer did nothing of note and the guitarist was just happy to be there. Some people clapped when they left the stage. This was probably just because they were happy they were done and LTJ was next.
LTJ came out and brought the house down. Before they were all soundly in their thirties, they had some awesome shows. Actually, I saw them two years ago, and they actually had a pretty decent set. Unfortunately, it is my opinion that all ska bands should hang it up once they hit thirty. It’s a genre for the kids. No one in the pit has a 401k so why should the band? The real tragedy of the whole show was that LTJ only got an hour and a quarter which means Tommy and his Tutones had the longest set of the night. Frustrating.
Despite it’s (numerous) shortcomings, in retrospect, it’s hysterical that I was at a show where Fall Out Boy opened for Tommy Two Tone who opened for Less Than Jake. Less Than Jake probably never reached a tenth of the popularity of Tommy Tutone who never reached a tenth of the popularity of Fall Out Boy. I guess the lineup was completely dependent on the decade in which you saw it and in 2003 LTJ beat’em all. Ridiculous.
